Ciao,
First of all, a massive thank you for taking the time to read this and for coming on to my site, it means a lot to me.
Second of all: today I realized I need to stop being a worry head and just DO what I want to and when I want to and who cares who sees?
So here I am, explaining to you why it’s been so damn quite over here.
I’ve had so many things going on, and most of all so many things I’ve wanted to share. I had my first proper manic episode on a night out, I moved house, I went for a three day trip to Croatia, worked at a festival and met people from all over the world, was reminded of my past and the cage I once felt trapped in, became trapped once more and, recently, remembered once more who I am, how I’ve grown and, most of all how far I have come.
I’ll tell you each and every one of these stories and experiences in time, but for now all I wanted to speak about was REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.
I’ve been back in my hometown for a few weeks now and the moment I arrived I could feel the bars of my old cage snapping back into place. My chest felt tight, my heart thumped invisible fists against my rib cage screaming to be accepted, heard and, most of all, not judged.
You see, this town has a rumor mill that churns 24/7, many of the inhabitants fuel it with a side-eye and a snigger and cutting comments that slice sideways through your ribs right into your heart and head. If you let them.
The way I am, how I interact with people and who I mostly interact with has earned me more than enough of these experiences, in the past and present, and presumably the future. I thought my time away had taught me to believe in myself and listen to my heart and not care what others say or think about me anymore. About a week in I realized I was wrong. Old habits die hard when you return to the same place where they were first born.
I’d walk around and question every step I took, every conversation I lead was fueled by the worry that someone would judge my words and the fear of what I’d hear about myself next. Was that gesture too awkward? Was that laugh too flirty? That smile too toothy? Were my comments the right ones?
At one point I realized I had stopped being me, the ME that I have come to know so well and love so much, and become a puppet on insecure strings dancing to everyone else’s tunes. The realization didn’t change anything though, the awareness simply pushed those prison bars further in, constricting my every breath with the reminder of how weak I was, how I’d fooled myself in believing any different.
And then came today, the day where I walked and talked for hours with a friend and forgot where I was and who I was “supposed“ to be and say and found myself enjoying the grass between my toes once again and finally feeling more free. Every time I hesitated my head simply shouted ‘so what? WHO CARES?’ and, honestly, even if they do, then I don’t have to care, do I? Living my life without that fear has opened me up to so many opportunities and possibilities, moments I would’ve missed out if I‘d taken the time to listen to
their judgements.
Old habits die hard but a new you means new habits, right? You won’t fit into the old habits (that never made you happy anyway) if you‘ve grown as a person. These things may take time but there is enough of that, I’m sure.
Thats all for now,
An Austrian (momentarily not quite) Abroad